“My Cooking Skills – Not!!”

“If cooking were a sport, I’d be benched for life.” Self - aware Humorist

My Go To Chef

That’s not just a punchline—it’s my kitchen philosophy. While others find joy in the sizzle of sauté pans and the mystery of spice blends, I find joy in the simplicity of someone else doing the cooking. Preferably a professional. Or at least someone who knows the difference between cumin and cinnamon.

Appetizer

Let’s be clear: I love food. I adore meals that arrive hot, plated, and preferably with zero involvement from me beyond choosing a table. Whether it’s a bustling food court in the local mall or a trendy Auckland eatery, I’m easily satisfied. My palate is simple, if it’s edible and not on fire, I’ll eat it.

But when I'm forced to fend for myself, I search the fridge for yesterday's leftovers. If I have to scramble something together, minimal ingredients, fewer dishes, and maximum microwave or air fryer is my default. I don’t follow recipes. I'll just fry an egg, pull out the Weetbix and milk or pour hot water into 2-minute noodles. Quick easy food preparation is my motto, cooking mostly rice, noodles and pasta, then adding whatever meat or vegetable is at hand.

The Anti-Chef

That’s me the aspiring anti-chef. I’ve been mistaking burnt toast and hard fried eggs for the ultimate in culinary cooking.

Cold-in-the-middle wrap, that's what I end up with if I try for something different to consume. Instead of having the ingredients prepared and at hand, I’m scrambling to grab them halter, skelter. The mince cools, the salad without seasoning and sauces out of reach. I think to myself, a plain mince wrap with salad, what’s so difficult about putting a wrap together. The only thing I have to cook is the mince with onions. It’s just lettuce and tomato salads with sauce from a bottle - simple I say.

My daughters all prepare delicious meals; wraps made with love and imagination are way beyond anything I can put on a plate. I try, but I wash dishes better than I cook, no pretense about how well I can have them clean and sparkling.  Baked beans on toast with an egg on top is my signature dish. It took me decades to learn how to have an egg with a runny yellow and soft white. Adding cinnamon to the butter or oil before frying your egg, as one chef suggested, is way beyond my imagination. I used to cook everything with the element set on high while I was a solo dad. When I met my partner, she quickly educated me on how to use heat for different dishes.

YouTube and other platforms added to my cooking repertoire. I now save videos for recipes I can follow. I’m the kind of cook who can now turn a simple omelet into something more with whatever ingredients at hand.

Edmonds Cookbook

Let’s be truthful here, I will never lemon zest anything. I have a sweet tooth; I can follow the recipe for a nice upside-down cake from the Edmond’s Cookbook. It’s the only time I will bake when no one is around to cook it for me. This is a rare event; I can count on one hand the number of cakes I’ve baked.

Summary

I hate mess in the kitchen, I can’t help myself, I wash dishes as I go. I’m a far better washer upper than I ever will be as a humble cook. I appreciate my skills of organizing a big wash for dirty pots, pans, plates, cups and cutlery. Cooking, forget it, I will always appreciate someone else’s.